How Isildur *really* died
by The Evil Old Woman
Summary: How Isildur *really* died - it wasn't from an Orc-arrow! 99% canon, proofread, and hopefully funny.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, and make no profit from this waste of time and effort.  
  
  
  
"How Isildur REALLY died", by The Evil Old Woman  
  
  
  
The official story of Isildur's death has always been this:  
  
Two years after the end of the War of the Last Alliance Isildur left Mordor and started home to Arnor via the road on the western side of the Anduin. He was in the sparsely populated lands north of Lothlorien when his smallish party was spotted by a large gang of Orcs. When Isildur realized he was outnumbered and outside help was unavailable he gave the shards of Elendil's sword Narsil (later Anduril) to a soldier named Ohtar and told him to get back to Rivendell by any means necessary. When the Orcs attacked in earnest everyone was killed except a guy named Estelmo who was merely stunned, and who told history how the Orcs killed everyone except Isildur – who vanished when he realized the battle was lost, having put the One Ring on his hand.  
  
It did Isildur no good, when he'd got away from the battle the ring betrayed him and slipped from his hand, thereby rendering him visible, at which point he was spotted and shot dead. The Ring and Isildur's body fell into the Anduin and weren't found for thousands of years, and the official story of his death was pieced together from Ohtar's and Estelmo's accounts.  
  
Gandalf told that story to Frodo at Bag End and at the Council Of Elrond; and it was included in the appendices to "ROTK", and later fleshed out in the "Unfinished Tales". It's the version everyone was supposed to believe.  
  
Here's what really happened…  
  
  
  
Scene, late afternoon at the Gladden Fields, year 2 of the Third Age. The battle is over, and the ground is littered with dead Numenoreans and what seem to be Orcs…  
  
The "Orcs", having made sure that all the Numenoreans are dead or out cold, suddenly straighten up and begin taking off what are revealed to be Orc masks. They aren't Orcs at all – but Elves wearing Orc armor and Orc masks!  
  
One says…  
  
"Your Majesty, they are all dead except one, just as you commanded. We've cast a sleeping spell on the survivor, he won't awaken until we leave. When he does, he'll believe his company was killed by Orcs."  
  
Another "Orc" takes off its mask, revealing a tall, arrogant-looking Elf with golden hair.  
  
"Good. Now where is Isildur! Show me his body!"  
  
"Uh, I'll check, your Majesty. I lost sight of him in the battle, hard to see anything in these masks."  
  
The Elves all begin turning over the corpses, looking for Isildur son of Elendil, king of Arnor, and sole possessor of the One Ring. A frightened- looking Elf walks up to the Elvenking – for it is indeed Thranduil, King of the Wood-Elves, who's behind this – and speaks hesitantly.  
  
"My lord, during the battle I saw Isildur… well, sir, I saw him vanish! Just like that, sir!"  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
"At the end of the battle, my lord; there were only three of them left alive, sir, and Isildur… he just… vanished!"  
  
"THEN TRACK HIM DOWN! HE'LL BE INVISIBLE BUT HE'LL LEAVE FOOTPRINTS! FIND HIM AND KILL HIM, YOU FOOLS! HE MUST DIE IF WE ARE TO LIVE IN PEACE!" The King rages. The other Elves scatter in all directions. The king stays where he is and mutters to himself.  
  
"Damned human, I didn't spend ten horrible years in Mordor and lose two thirds of my soldiers to see one damned greedy human make a mockery of our victory! Why the hell couldn't Elrond just have given him a shove into the Cracks of Doom – he was right there… useless moralizing weakling…"  
  
As the sun sets, the other Elves come back, smiling.  
  
"We got him, my lord! We saw him in the river and shot him! He's dead!"  
  
"Well thank the Valar, you can do something right! Show me the body – and mind you don't touch it!" The other Elves look at each other nervously.  
  
"Uh, sir… well, the body fell into a swampy part of the river sir. He popped out of thin air, standing way out in the water, sir, and we shot him and he just fell in…"  
  
"WHAT? YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!" The king roars. "WHERE WAS HE LAST SEEN? WE MUST FIND THE BODY!"  
  
Thranduil continues to rant as they come to the riverbank from which Isildur was shot. They all begin wading through the swampy water, looking for the body.  
  
"YOU DAMNED FOOLS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE? HE HAD THE ONE RING ON HIM! SAURON'S RING! IF WE DON'T FIND THAT RING AND DESTROY IT SAURON WILL RISE AGAIN! WASN'T THE LAST WAR ENOUGH FOR YOU? WANT TO FIGHT ANOTHER LIKE IT YOU USELESS IDIOTS?" The Elves search frantically, getting wet and filthy. "DO YOU WANT IT LYING IN THIS SWAMP FOR ALL ETERNITY? HERE, FOUR DAYS MARCH FROM YOUR HOMES? THE VALAR ONLY KNOW WHAT KIND OF HORRORS IT'LL ATTRACT INTO THIS PART OF THE WORLD! I NEED A DRINK…" And on and on into the night…  
  
We leave a raging Elf-King and his terrified followers wallowing through the darkening swamp, quite failing to find Isildur's body or the One Ring…  
  
  
  
Fade to a blackout that lasts over 2000 years. Scene opens on the same river, showing a couple of Hobbits in a boat. One of falls out and resurfaces with a pretty golden ring in his hand.  
  
The other says "Give us that, Deagol my love…"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: The details of Isildur's death and of Thranduil's role in the Last Alliance are from "Unfinished Tales". This is so incredibly Canon - except for one little detail.  
  
Obviously I'm not the only one who wishes Elrond and Cirdan had just pushed the S.O.B. into the Cracks of Doom when they had the chance. (Evil Old Women believe in expediency) I know, it really would have been out of character for those two… but surely some of the other Elf-Lords were sick of fighting Sauron and didn't want to see it start all over again in a "few" years - and might not be so scrupulous. And Isildur did indeed die in the middle of nowhere with only one witness, four days march from the home of a pretty unscrupulous Elf-Lord, so.. 


End file.
